Life Choices, Chocolate and Change

I don't know what it is about holidays that always makes me feel as though it's a good idea to stay up to 3am every night. There comes a point during every school holiday that it almost becomes routine. The novelty is gone and all of a sudden you find yourself actually wishing you could be asleep instead of listening to a 10 hour loop of the chicken song, speaking from experience here. But there's no hope, because your body is so used to it that BAM you're wide awake when the world around you is the complete opposite. Every night there is that "What the hell am I doing?" moment. It really hits you smack in the face. Hard. That's usually when I take to snapchat to post a picture of whatever is on my laptop screen, with the very caption I quoted above. Thankfully I'm not reckless enough to push it to 4am... Well, not all the time anyway. 3am really is the best cut off point though. If you don't turn your laptop off and at least attempt to get some sleep when 3am rolls around then you may as well give into the fact that you won't be getting any sleep at all. I have actually found myself still awake at 4.30 in the morning a few times and asked myself the question "Do I really need sleep?" For a brief moment I actually believe I could survive the next day on no sleep whatsoever but I usually spend so much time thinking about it that I eventually fall asleep anyway.

The closest I've come to pulling an all-nighter was actually my own birthday party last year. Let me tell you, lying on my own bedroom floor at 6am and seeing daylight through my curtains before I've even had any sleep was one of the strangest sensations I think I've ever had. I remember distinctly one of the first thoughts that came into my head was "It's morning. There are probably so many people getting up for work right now," And then I imagine I passed out. A few hours of Gintama and YouTube will do that to you though... I had no regrets. And I'd probably do it again if I'm being really honest.

But, coming back to the present, Easter just happened and I have surprised myself with the significant lack of junk I've eaten so far. Usually after Lent any chocolate or crisps that are brought into the house don't last very long but for some reason this year they just don't appeal to me as much. Fizzy drinks on the other hand are a different story altogether. Those I've been enjoying very much for some reason. There's probably more sugar in them than anything else I was off for Lent which doesn't make me feel so good about it, but... eh. Thoughts like that don't get between me and a can of ginger beer. The Easter holidays are so unhealthy though. Like... I feel as though Easter has turned into one big excuse to just binge eat. It feels like a holiday dedicated to chocolate eggs more than anything else. When the Easter bunny came to my door this year he brought chocolate eggs, nausea, sleep deprivation and a whole load of poor life choices. He also brought Batman V Superman pajamas but I'm not complaining about that one. Two weeks off school doesn't hurt things either, but when you've got 7 seasons of Modern Family available at the click of a button it dips back into being unhealthy again. I hate myself just a little after seeing how many episodes I manage to watch in one day, but it's just so easy to do. I tell myself each holiday that I'll do things differently, I'll be productive, maybe study or exercise. But some things never change and I usually remember how lazy I am and laugh about how much I overestimated myself, again.

One thing I am trying to change though is the clutter on my laptop. Most of it is fine, but there's just this one folder... The folder of hell. I've been thoughtlessly dumping photographs into it for the past few years, it even survived the transfer from my old laptop to my current one which was surprising. Most of the photos I take on my phone end up dumped there and forgotten about. And now it's haunting me. Every time I open the folder it takes quite a while to load everything and by that time I've already forgotten what I was even looking for. It eats away at me a little every time I so much as look at it and I've finally started organising it into sub folders and categories and I feel like I'm cleansing my very soul. Every cluster of photos that gets rehoused is a little weight shifted off my mind. I'm still nowhere near getting that done, but I feel I've made a good start. I should probably get back to it soon...

I was initially going to write this about motivation (or my lack thereof), but not surprisingly I didn't have enough motivation to write more than a paragraph before giving up and deciding to come back to it at a later stage. I'm glad I did, I reread that paragraph before starting tonight and it was quite... Dry. My motivation is starting to dwindle, so I think I'll just leave you with this;

If you ever find yourself awake at 3am with nothing to do

You're welcome.