Stressed, depressed, and not exactly well dressed

I can't believe the last time I wrote on this was over a year ago. I don't know why I'm even bothering to do this, it's just that for some reason my post about coffee keeps getting reblogs and hits on Twitter and it's really confusing to me. Of all the things, why coffee? That one is by far my most viewed post on here and I can't even remember what I wrote in it. I can't even remember why I wrote any of these. I guess some part of me had this grand plan  at 12 to become a full time, super successful blogger but obviously that's not going to work out if I can't even be bothered to update this in over a year.
There's no point in mentioning all the reasons why I think I might have gotten distracted from this, everybody has those same reasons and people still make stuff work. So why not this? Probably just laziness, that seems to be my answer to everything right now. Too lazy for life just when life needs me to not be lazy the most. Ok yes I lied to myself, I may as well talk about those reasons for my leave of absence from the keyboard as there really is nothing else for me to talk about. I'll do what I do best, I think, and complain about things while making them sound way more exciting than they actually are. Feels so bizarre being back at this, but here we go. I always did write better between 1am and 4am anyway.

1. Stress

Honest to God, that^^ is some of the worst advice I have ever received in my life. "Are you feeling stressed? Well don't be, it doesn't do any good." ?????? Oh gee thank you, suddenly all of my stress and worries have melted away like an ice cube in direct sunlight. Look at me stressing out like an idiot this whole time. You're a life saver. Amen, now I know I'm going to pass all of my GCSEs, you should give advice for a living.
No. Honestly? If you want to help someone who's feeling stressed, buy them a punch bag, or some cheap plates to throw at a wall. Or at your face. Who knows, breaking noses could be as satisfying as breaking plates. Telling a stressed person not to stress is like saying to a young child, "oh no, don't do the thing." They're gonna do the thing. You try sending signals to my brain that say, "oh no, don't be stressed," It's gonna be stressed. There's just no way around it. And you can preach all the breathing techniques you want, but let's be real here; telling yourself to take a few deep breaths in a stressful situation is just begging for some hyperventilation action. I've tried the mindfulness classes, and while they do work at that particular time, it's very difficult to apply in real life situations. In these classes I'm with about four other girls in a quiet classroom. There it's fairly easy to almost pass out when you have your eyes closed and are breathing deeply for about 3-4 minutes. But in the real world? In the real world you have a crowded, stuffy bus with a grumpy driver, a screaming child, someone with a really grating accent talking very loudly on the phone and that group of guys in the back who cackle every time someone says something dumb.
All of a sudden mindfulness isn't so easy to apply. And all of a sudden you're getting off the bus two stops early because you can't take it anymore and, hell, you need the extra exercise anyway. My advice for that particular situation? Personally, I just avoid taking the bus if I can. A walk along the river is a lot less stressful. That way you don't have to deal with people. Because yeah, people are stressful, one of the most stressful things on this planet.
But going for a really long walk in, preferably, cold weather is really the best way I know to deal with stress. Also podcasts, but that's a whole other broad topic that I may even write about again some time soon. But that's the real question, how do you deal with stress? How do you prevent it? For a lot of people my age right now that's probably a very important question, whether you're asking it or not. Because it's exam season, and not just any exam season, the, "these exams determine your career and your life and stay with you forever" exam season. So of course dealing with stress is an important thing to consider here. But I am honestly the least qualified person to give advice related to that.
I've tried coffee for this kind of situation. Don't do that. Worst mistake, you only end up with migraines and nausea and a handful of Starbucks receipts. Also vitamins. But as I discovered you can in fact overdose on those and end up with the same results, minus the Starbucks receipts. Stress eating is something my brain seems to think is a good idea, but trust me this only leads to more stress as you begin to realise some items of clothing are feeling tighter than they should. So what then, if not Starbucks, fizzy vitamin C tablets or Ben and Jerry's?
Well, I'd say fresh air for one is as good a place to start as any. I have come to realise exercise can be really effective at making people feel a lot less like a deflated balloon. But if that's really really not your thing, then the few other stress relieving tips I've picked up along the way are;

• Eating bananas, I don't know why but I mean have you ever seen a stressed monkey?
• Singing
• Listening to your favourite music
• Hugging and holding hands with someone special to you

The only ones I can vouch for are singing and listening to my favourite music. Singing does have that weird way of making everything feel better, so it's no wonder all those Disney princesses are so absurdly happy.

Really though, if you're stressing about something important I always take that as a sign that you care about it. Sometimes it's possible to use that to your advantage. I have found that personally nothing makes me work faster or study harder more than stress. It's just important to make sure it doesn't get the better of you, and if it does always make sure you have methods in place to deal with the after effects. Anyone living in a country prone to earthquakes is sure to have an escape plan and backpack of supplies ready at any given time. So why, in a mind prone to stress, would you not plan your escape route and keep your supplies of Ben and Jerry's and bubble bath somewhere handy?

2. GCSEs

This ties in way too closely with the whole stress thing, but it's really been consuming pretty much all of my life for the past few weeks. I can't spend as much time with people who are important to me, I can't just decide to sit down and watch TV for a few hours, and I honestly can't remember the last time I picked up a book to read just for the sake of it. People always warn you about this kind of stuff, but it's hard to believe them if you've never been there yourself. But it is difficult. And stressful. I have honestly never wanted summer to come faster in all my life. I miss not feeling guilty for watching an episode of a TV show, or for taking a 20 minute nap. Or for even doing anything that isn't study related. It consumes all of your free time, and when I step back and look at the big picture, at just how big these courses are, my head begins to swim and I just want to go take another 20 minute nap.

But they are important, as pretty much everyone has reminded from the minute this all started. The pressure is really starting to build, but the worst pressure in the world is the pressure from yourself. It just doesn't seem to go away. Exams, studying and past papers are even appearing in my dreams. Feels like I'm going a little crazy sometimes. At the end of the day, nothing terrifies me more than getting a grade lower than what people expected of me. Because this is a one chance thing, and in about a month's time it'll be over and out of our control. And that really scares me. I just don't understand why the world has to put so much weight on 10 letters on a piece of paper. Makes no sense to me, but apparently it makes sense to someone out there so, hey, comforting to know there are people out there crazier than me.

3. Moving House

Yeah, this happened some time during the past year. Actually it happened about three times during the past year, but it's an interesting experience. Packing six years of your life into a removal van and just.. Going. Somewhere. It's exciting, and after nearly a year of house hunting it's very rewarding. It's also very rewarding to see the Burger King sign not too far from here. And Subway. And Dominoes... Being closer to school also allows me to avoid public transport on the way home which is a definite plus. We have a few frequent feline visitors to our back garden which makes a nice change to not having had a garden at all.

What's not so rewarding is the fact that a lot of people we know live around here. Like a lot. And that increases the probability and risk of being spotted, while on your way to Burger King, looking like you just rolled out of a holding cell after a night you don't remember. This I suppose should motivate me to always look my best, but I prefer to live on the edge. Which is a euphemism for, "I'm too lazy."

Overall it's been an interesting year, and I'm sure there's a lot I've forgotten to mention but I doubt anybody's really paying any attention. I do have a couple of podcast recommendations though which seemed to be some of my more popular posts in the passed, so keep an eye out for those if you're interested. I can't believe I just wasted an hour writing this instead of sleeping...

You need to stop drinking coffee if...

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 

You can jump-start your car without cables. 

You ski uphill.

You're so wired, your ears pick up AM radio.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You look at energy drinks and laugh really really loud!

Just a couple of my favourites selected from a page on jokes4us.com. I am not a habitual coffee drinker, I only had my first cup of caffeinated coffee on Thursday and it was a very... interesting experience. But not one I will be reliving any time soon, that's for sure. I like the flavour of coffee but I'm used to drinking decaf, and I think for the well being of myself (and the well being of the ear canals of the people around me) I will be sticking with that for the foreseeable future.I don't know why I bought a caffeinated latte on a whim, but I was with friends and they seemed surprised it wasn't something I'd done sooner, so I thought why not. And from the moment that cup touched my lips until I fell asleep later that night I don't think I stopped talking. I reckon in the space of 9 hours I talked more than I had done in total in the past week. I'm surprised I didn't give myself a repetitive strain injury in my jaw, and my thumbs for that matter which were flying across my phone keyboard at a speed I believe to be a personal record. A two and a half hour conversation about sexuality, weeaboos and relationships coupled with later conversations with friends online lead to a few comments such as "I've never seen you talk this much." Yeah. You and me both. And I've been inside this head for almost 16 years. I often talk about staying up late at night, and on a normal day usually I do feel tired by about 12.30 but sometimes I just get too caught up in YouTube to care. That night I didn't get tired at all. Not even when it hit 2.30 did I feel anything. The only reason I did eventually go to sleep at 3am was because in the back of my head I knew I had to. In the back of my head I knew I'd be getting up in four hours, and I hadn't completely lost all sense so I knew four hours sleep was at least better than none.

Of course caffeine affects everyone differently, and I'd often wondered how it'd affect me. But I never figured I'd be the kind of coffee drinker that needs to come with a warning label. The kind of coffee drinker that people avoid in the mornings because that's just too much energy to have to deal with before 9am even if you've already had coffee yourself. If there was any movie character I identified with on a seriously deep level in that moment, it was this one. 

It provided amazing fuel for catching up on three days of journal entries I had missed. I've gotten into a havit of doing that, If I'm too lazy to write a journal entry one night I'll just leave it to the next night which then means I'd have to write twice as much. I need to stop doing that because I'm afraid that there will come a time when I'll just stop updating regularly altogether and let everything pile up and up until eventually I won't remember a single thing that happened while I wasn't writing. Even leaving it for three days leaves me scratching my head trying to remember some things that happened. But it made me realise something; it's not updating it every single day that's important to me, as long as at least have a pretty detailed record of each day (no matter when it gets written) then I'm happy. That's all I need, something that will allow me to look back on 2016 in its entirety and actually have a detailed first hand account of things that happened as the year went on. I had to buy myself a backup journal because the one I am currently using is almost out of pages and we're not even half way through the year yet. Four and a half months worth of entries looks like a hell of a lot when you actually see it on paper. And it's only just over one third of the year... I'm surprised I was able to keep it up for so long. I'm definitely considering keeping a journal next year too. It ends up being a useful thing to have, having a detailed account of everything that's happened and being able to flick back through it whenever you forget something.

So in a way I have been writing a lot this year, more than I ever have before, it's just non-fictional writing as opposed to my usual attempts at stories that never end up going anywhere. With regards to the story I have been working on for the past few months I am currently referring to myself as "taking a break from it." Or more honestly put; I hit a wall and I'm not sure if it's the "end-of-the-line" wall that I hit with all my other stories or just a temporary wall that just needs a bit of time before it crumbles. I'm really hoping it crumbles sometime soon because I had so much faith in this story and I don't want to admit defeat any time soon.

Or maybe I just need to find a way to climb the wall... Hm.

Life Choices, Chocolate and Change

I don't know what it is about holidays that always makes me feel as though it's a good idea to stay up to 3am every night. There comes a point during every school holiday that it almost becomes routine. The novelty is gone and all of a sudden you find yourself actually wishing you could be asleep instead of listening to a 10 hour loop of the chicken song, speaking from experience here. But there's no hope, because your body is so used to it that BAM you're wide awake when the world around you is the complete opposite. Every night there is that "What the hell am I doing?" moment. It really hits you smack in the face. Hard. That's usually when I take to snapchat to post a picture of whatever is on my laptop screen, with the very caption I quoted above. Thankfully I'm not reckless enough to push it to 4am... Well, not all the time anyway. 3am really is the best cut off point though. If you don't turn your laptop off and at least attempt to get some sleep when 3am rolls around then you may as well give into the fact that you won't be getting any sleep at all. I have actually found myself still awake at 4.30 in the morning a few times and asked myself the question "Do I really need sleep?" For a brief moment I actually believe I could survive the next day on no sleep whatsoever but I usually spend so much time thinking about it that I eventually fall asleep anyway.

The closest I've come to pulling an all-nighter was actually my own birthday party last year. Let me tell you, lying on my own bedroom floor at 6am and seeing daylight through my curtains before I've even had any sleep was one of the strangest sensations I think I've ever had. I remember distinctly one of the first thoughts that came into my head was "It's morning. There are probably so many people getting up for work right now," And then I imagine I passed out. A few hours of Gintama and YouTube will do that to you though... I had no regrets. And I'd probably do it again if I'm being really honest.

But, coming back to the present, Easter just happened and I have surprised myself with the significant lack of junk I've eaten so far. Usually after Lent any chocolate or crisps that are brought into the house don't last very long but for some reason this year they just don't appeal to me as much. Fizzy drinks on the other hand are a different story altogether. Those I've been enjoying very much for some reason. There's probably more sugar in them than anything else I was off for Lent which doesn't make me feel so good about it, but... eh. Thoughts like that don't get between me and a can of ginger beer. The Easter holidays are so unhealthy though. Like... I feel as though Easter has turned into one big excuse to just binge eat. It feels like a holiday dedicated to chocolate eggs more than anything else. When the Easter bunny came to my door this year he brought chocolate eggs, nausea, sleep deprivation and a whole load of poor life choices. He also brought Batman V Superman pajamas but I'm not complaining about that one. Two weeks off school doesn't hurt things either, but when you've got 7 seasons of Modern Family available at the click of a button it dips back into being unhealthy again. I hate myself just a little after seeing how many episodes I manage to watch in one day, but it's just so easy to do. I tell myself each holiday that I'll do things differently, I'll be productive, maybe study or exercise. But some things never change and I usually remember how lazy I am and laugh about how much I overestimated myself, again.

One thing I am trying to change though is the clutter on my laptop. Most of it is fine, but there's just this one folder... The folder of hell. I've been thoughtlessly dumping photographs into it for the past few years, it even survived the transfer from my old laptop to my current one which was surprising. Most of the photos I take on my phone end up dumped there and forgotten about. And now it's haunting me. Every time I open the folder it takes quite a while to load everything and by that time I've already forgotten what I was even looking for. It eats away at me a little every time I so much as look at it and I've finally started organising it into sub folders and categories and I feel like I'm cleansing my very soul. Every cluster of photos that gets rehoused is a little weight shifted off my mind. I'm still nowhere near getting that done, but I feel I've made a good start. I should probably get back to it soon...

I was initially going to write this about motivation (or my lack thereof), but not surprisingly I didn't have enough motivation to write more than a paragraph before giving up and deciding to come back to it at a later stage. I'm glad I did, I reread that paragraph before starting tonight and it was quite... Dry. My motivation is starting to dwindle, so I think I'll just leave you with this;

If you ever find yourself awake at 3am with nothing to do

You're welcome.

Thrown out of the Zone

On Wednesday evening I went to a creative writing workshop held in my school library. When I first heard about it in English class I had thought of it as one of those things I'd like to go to but would never actually end up going to because I rarely make an effort to do anything new or anything that involves meeting new people. At least not willingly. But I surprised myself by abruptly deciding that I was going to go to it. I didn't give myself a chance to reconsider and put it out of my mind until the day of the workshop arrived. It's on once a month and despite it being held in our school library, we were told that no one from our school has actually been going. This year was the first I've heard of it. Only three people from our school attended, the others were people from other schools and there was even someone who travels about 70 miles from home each month to attend. All in all I would say there were about 15 of us. The workshop is taken by an actual author which surprised me. I thought it would maybe be run by English teachers in our school. I mean she used to be a teacher in our school but now she's a (full time I think) published author. But it's nice to be able to talk to an actual author and for her to give us writing exercises to help get us creating and get us out of our writing comfort zones. In fact I found myself being practically thrown out of my writing comfort zone from the word go.
Now here's where that daily journal comes in really handy. And yes, I have managed to write an entry in it every day so far. And it's very good for recalling details on things like this.
I was initially very nervous about going because I didn't know anyone who was going to be there. I found out shortly before the workshop that of course there would be two other people from my year there so that eased the anxiety a little. But once I got in and seated and everyone was introduced, we were basically straight into writing exercises so I didn't have much time to feel awkward. I'm so glad I brought a notebook and pen... I mean it is a writing workshop so of course there was going to be writing involved, but I had no idea what to expect.
We were told we would be getting stuck in with writing pretty much straight away, and admittedly that did throw me a little. I was expecting more preamble, maybe a little discussion about creative writing or something to prepare us a little. But no. We were given four random objects each from a bag. I got a crochet square (which I found funny because I've been doing so much crocheting lately), some weird kind of... Well I don't actually know what it was. I'm just going off the first words the girl beside me said when she saw it; "Cat toy...?" Let's call it that. It was some kind of multicoloured sock shaped stuffed toy thing, no bigger than the palm of my hand, with some feathers and a little bell on it. So yeah, cat toy seems like an appropriate name. There was also a cup coaster with a cat in some kind of farm on it and a bag of sweets; pineapple cubes. The items we were each given were to belong to our characters, characters that we would be creating and almost "building", for lack of a better word, throughout the evening. So I'm looking at these objects and immediately there are stereotypes flying through my head, and potential anecdotes to go along with the objects. Granny... Cats... Crazy old cat lady who lives on a farm? No, too obvious. Younger girl? Maybe the crochet square could be something her granny crocheted for her? We aren't given much more thinking time before we're being told to get our pages ready and prepare to write down the answers to the questions we'll be asked. We get asked some generic questions about our character; Name? Age? Description? Where do they live? Etc. All questions to help us build a character profile. I decide the easiest way to do this is to write down the first thing that comes into my head after each question. I'm not used to writing a character profile like that, with such speed and such little planning. But that tactic seemed to work pretty well.
I did in fact end up with quite a young character who, obviously, likes cats and has a cat. The details aren't important. But then we were asked to partner up and go find a quiet area of the library where we should discuss our characters with each other, and it was stressed that we should make an effort to get to know our partner's character and maybe even take a few notes. Well, neither of us took notes... We went through our character profiles, asked a few questions, talked about school, crocheting and baking. Then it was time to head back to the main table where we were informed we would be writing a short piece of writing in about 15 minutes. Ok. More spontaneous writing. I think I could do that. But we had to write it about our partner's character. Completely on our own. No asking them for help or for a few details you might have forgotten. Ah. At that moment my heart did almost plummet into my stomach, and my writing comfort zone was looking like a spec of dust in the distance. But somehow I managed to write something decent.
I'll admit I wasn't 100% hot on what I had written, I had chosen to go with writing a diary entry from the point of view of the character, and it wasn't the most eloquent of creative writing pieces but I felt that for my first attempt at 15 minutes of completely unplanned writing it went pretty well. At least I felt that way until the first few partners volunteered to read their's aloud. And holy hell did my heart take another swan dive into the pit of my stomach. They were all amazing. Four short pieces of amazing writing that all felt derived from an amazing plot idea, containing a beautiful range of vocabulary and literary techniques and all in just 15 minutes... One word came to mind at that moment; How? I looked down at my simple diary entry, up to the four people who had just shared a slice of their amazing talent, then back down to my page. I wanted to laugh. I felt out of my depth. I wanted to never have to share my piece with anyone... And then my partner volunteered us to read aloud. Which actually turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment. It meant I was being tested in every aspect of the writing process, and physically sharing your writing with a room full of obviously extremely talented writers you've just met for the first time is definitely the biggest test of all.
My partner had written a poem about my character and managed to sum her up really well. I really felt the essence of her in that poem. Great. Another amazing piece of work to contend with. I apologised in advance, stating that I felt my piece was so simple compared to the others. And then I read it. And... Everyone seemed to like it. I heard a one or two people go "aw" almost in sympathy for the character as I read, which is good. That was the reaction I was hoping for. I was told that I shouldn't have apologised for it, that there was a lot of information about the character packed into that short diary entry. I hadn't even noticed how much detail I'd put in until it was mentioned. It was then that I realised that my hands were shaking, and also that I really do make a big deal out of nothing and let my anxiety get the better of me. I didn't even hear the rest of what was said because I was staring at my page while trying to stop my hands from shaking. Yeah. I get really nervous when it comes to sharing my work, Even more so since I'd just met about 11 or 12 people there for the first time. But I survived.
We had been asked to leave an email address on the sign in sheet at the beginning and at the end we were told that if we absolutely hated it and didn't want to come back or be contacted to say so, so that our email could be taken of the contact list.

I, for one, am definitely gonna go back next month.

New Year, New Notebook, New Memories, New Podcasts

It's officially 2016. We have successfully completed yet another orbit of the sun, congratulations everyone. I would do some sort of "2015: A Year In Review" thing but if I'm being honest I can barely remember much of 2015 beyond September. I remember last New Year's Day pretty well but anything between that and early September is just... Not there. I had to scroll through many old Facebook posts to remember even a few things. I'm struggling to place any memories. There are things I now remember happened in 2015 that I had thought happened a year before, and also things I thought had happened in 2015 but actually happened a year before. It's all very confusing, but I really don't want to be in that position this time next year. I'd like to be able to remember 2016 as much as possible. It's for this reason that I have decided to keep a daily journal. I'm hoping I will be able to write in it every day and that writing down the things that happen will help reinforce my memory of them while also providing me with some good material to look back on come 2017. That's one of my New Year's resolutions in fact; to write in that journal every day of 2016 if I can. We'll see how that goes... And who knows, I may even keep it up beyond 2016 if it goes well.
My other resolutions are pretty standard things. I have decided this year I won't be saying I'm going to exercise more, sleep more and eat healthier because let's face it we all say that every year and it never happens. I've decided to make resolutions that are a little more realistic, but if I do happen to exercise more and eat healthier there won't be any complaints from me... No, instead I've opted for three simple goals;

1. Cry less
2. Read more books
3. Write more stories

I believe those to be much more achievable, but let's just hope I don't end up proving myself wrong. Overall I'm aiming for a more exciting, more awesome year than 2015. Secretly I think that one of the reasons I'm struggling to remember much of last year is because there weren't many events that stood out in my mind to help mark different points in the year. I remember New Year's Day, I remember some small things from around the time of my birthday, as well as starting fourth year and also Halloween and Christmas. Q-con is also in there somewhere I think but I can't remember when exactly that was. Most of everything else has all faded away and has left me with a rather empty feeling. It's really annoying me so once I get finished up here I'm taking a deep search through my social media accounts to try and piece together the rest of the year.
One other thing I do remember about late 2015 is discovering a host of podcasts that are now some of my absolute favourites. I won't blather too much about them and make an idiot of myself as I tend to do, but I will give you a list of the ones I subscribed and listened to in 2015 that I highly recommend you listen to in the New Year. They can all be found on iTunes and some possibly on Stitcher, but I'm not entirely sure if all;



The NoSleep Podcast

The Black Tapes Podcast

Lore

Say What » Podcast

We're Alive

Liberty: Critical Research

Solve The World

I was also introduced to a new anime through recommendations from a friend a short while ago and I have already watched all of it bar the final episode. Black Lagoon is by far the most badass, explosive anime I've ever seen. It can get quite dark at times, and a little bloody in some places but ohh my... I do love it. And I'm itching to watch the last episode. If you like explosions, badass leading females, nuns with guns and insane killer maids, then definitely give this one a go.

Rosarita Cisneros (Roberta)

Edith Blackwater (Eda)

And of course this has turned into a list of recommendations as my posts quite often tend to do... But I think this is some good material to start your year with. But I will say the only light-hearted items on this list are the Say What podcast and Solve the World. The Say What podcast is good if you want to laugh and you can start at any point with it, and Solve the World is quite adventurous and intriguing, just start from the beginning with it as each episode is a continuation of the last. It's all one story. The rest of the items on this list... Not so light-hearted or comedic. So just read up on them before you listen/watch to get an idea of what they're about. That all said, I believe New Year's day comes to an end in about 30 minutes and I have run out of things to say...

Except this; Happy New Year, I hope your 2016 is fantastic and that you stick to at least one of you resolutions...

Christmas Eve is finally here

It will officially be Christmas Day in about three hours, and I have got nowhere with my projects... But it doesn't matter. I've decided to leave it until next year. That'll give me time to not only finish my story, but to properly edit it as well. I guess that makes more sense than trying to rush it and then upload what would technically still be a first draft... So I can relax and put it out of my mind for now.

But Christmas Eve is finally here, and I'm starting to feel a little more excited than I have been now that all my presents are bought and wrapped and The Nightmare Before Christmas is on TV. Admittedly I didn't have a very festive day, considering I spent most of it crocheting and listening to a sci-fi horror podcast. But still, I'm feeling festive now. I guess I don't really have much to say other than Merry Christmas and I hope you all have a Happy New Year if I don't get posting between now and New Year's Day. I couldn't leave you completely empty handed though, so I'll leave you with these two festive music items.

The NoSleep Podcast Christmas 2015 Theme

This is the theme for the NoSleep Podcast's 2015 Christmas special and I am in love with it. It's free to download, name your price; just click "buy now" and enter 0. It's amazing and really lends an eerie chill to a dark, winter's day.

Merry Christmas?

This is the 8tracks playlist I was talking about in my last post. I decided to upload it anyway since it was finished. It's a darker than usual Christmas playlist, but I love it.

Well there's a good selection of dark Christmas background music to listen to while you wait for Santa to arrive. Happy Christmas Eve, at long last.

Damn that was ambitious...

So, Christmas is in two days. How did that even happen...? I could've sworn it was only Halloween like yesterday. It's approaching too quickly, and that leaves me with a problem; I was hoping to have some sort of "bumper pack" of projects to post on Christmas Eve. I had a story to write, two narrations to post on YouTube, an 8tracks playlist to go with one of them and I was hoping to submit my newest story to reddit NoSleep. All of this on top of crocheting Christmas gifts, and squeezing in a new anime series, but that's not important... What is important is that a) I'm writing this at 2am and it actually makes sense wow and b) I'm not going to get those projects done. I may not even get them done by the new year. I could have one narration done by Christmas Eve if I'm extremely lucky, but I haven't even finished writing the other story and it's set on Christmas Eve so it kinda needs to be submitted by then. This annoys me for countless more reasons, the primary one being the fact that the whole point of this was to mark a decade of my creative development or whatever it is I keep calling it. I suppose I could always put it off until around my birthday next year... But it's mostly Christmas themed so it wouldn't make any sense. I don't even know why I bothered to make a post about this, I guess I just felt I owed an update to anyone who actually reads these. Plus, it's like 2.30am, I've just watched like five episodes of Black Lagoon and no one seems to be online so why not just ramble. I've never written anything past 11pm so I don't even know if this makes sense anymore. Let's just roll with it. I may even try writing some more of my story soon...
On a distantly related topic, I just realised I haven't mentioned Christmas until now. I'm not as excited about it as I have been in past years, but I guess considering I feel like it should still be October I haven't really emotionally caught up yet. That'll probably happen at about 1am on Christmas Eve. It'll hit me like a sack full of coal. One thing that does actually help to get me in the festive spirit while still feeling as spooky as I usually do is the NoSleep Podcast Christmas special. Ohh man. It's good. I mean it's really good. Lot's of creepy children and a chilling Christmas theme that I will be listening to for the rest of the month. Technically I guess that's actually rest of the year. But yeah. Go listen to it. It's 2 hours and 43 minutes of heaven for me haha.
I'm only just realising just how unorganised my thoughts are right now. Let's take this as a writing experiment, see if the quality of my writing is directly proportional to how tired I am. That sounds very technical. It's really not. It's also fun to see where my mind wanders along this thought trail. Which brings me to my next point I guess; New Year.
Ok so the new year is hot on the heels of Christmas and while I may not be entirely ready for that latter one (considering I haven't even finished my gift shopping), I do believe I am more than ready for the new year. This year I am embracing the idea of a clean slate and a fresh start and a better me. I'd like to tackle 2016 head on and I'm actually excited to see what it'll bring. If my memory serves me correctly, the last time I mentioned the coming of a new year on this blog I think I shunned all these ideas and basically said "It's nothing but just another year." Well that is a little true. But right now I feel there's a lot more to it than that. More meaning. More opportunities. Or maybe I'm just really drowsy... Yeah. Let's go with that one. Also the music I'm listening to is too dancy for 2.30 in the morning but for some reason I'm writing pretty well with it as background music so I'm afraid to listen to anything else.
Speaking of music, I just remembered I already have that 8tracks playlist done. It's saved and ready to upload whenever. I'm really pleased with it. It's a good mix of dark Christmas music to go with the story I'm working on. It's made up of all the dark Christmas "mood music" I guess, that serves as excellent background noise while I'm writing the story. It's also great to listen to when you're walking alone on a cold evening. If you like feeling slightly scared but also very inspired. I feel like that's becoming my constant state now; slightly scared, spooky and inspired. Three ingredients for a horror writer, there's your checklist.
I would continue to ramble but I am losing the ability to keep my eyes open and my hands moving. There wasn't really any plan or point to this. Usually I have a plan. Usually I know what I want to say, and I plan it in advance. This was new for me. Improv writing. I know I'm going to read this in the morning and hate myself... But it was kinda fun.

Game Jolt - The Start of an Addiction

I recently discovered a website that provides free downloads of indie games. This is probably the worst thing for me to have discovered during exam week, because before long I had already downloaded an obscene amount of games to try out and it is safe to say, studying was the farthest thing from my mind. But they are good to take your mind off things in the evenings. I wouldn't exactly say the ones I've played are good to help you relax though, considering they're mostly tense thriller/horror games... But they're still good. And I have now realized I am a huge sucker for a good horror game.
I figured since I've already done reviews for films and podcasts it's only right that I do some game reviews too. So here goes.

1. Only Footsteps
Ok, I think this is the first game I played. It's pretty good. I mean, there's an interesting story to it I guess. And that is really the only thing that kept me going with it, but not much happens until the end. Basically you're in the snow and you have to find a cave and make your way through it to the center. You find notes along the way giving you pieces of information about you and about what's going on. The cave is the most interesting part though. You end up spending most of the game walking through really long, stone corridors to get to the center of the cave. And the character moves painfully slowly which is annoying. But once you get there it's interesting. The ending? It's weird. Be prepared for that.

2. Letter to a Friend
This one... This one is weird. It's alright, I think. Again nothing much happens, but there is a slightly more interesting story here. You're at this weird old subway station. It's dark. And you basically just explore all areas while you wait for the train. There isn't much to explore as you can only go so far. Some weird stuff happens. The train comes. That's it. It's a little creepy, but just make sure you explore every inch of the subway station otherwise nothing will happen. Note: You can't move past the darkness.

3. Fran Bow
Ok... This one gets a little disturbing. The art is cute, the story is cute... until she looks out the window, then the whole thing is just weird and disturbing. It still manages to maintain that cute element throughout though. Which is strange. I haven't gotten very far with it, but it's good. It's one of the few games on this list which isn't an RPG, ha. There is a much better story to this. Basically Fran's parents were killed at the beginning by a weird monster and now she's in a mental hospital and has to find her cat. He comes to her in dreams and tells her the medicine will help her find him... Weird, but that's Fran's main motivation for getting out of the hospital. That's as far as I've gotten, but it's intriguing. I'd better go finish it...

4. Anxiety: Lost Night
This is the only game in the anxiety series that I've played so far, and god... It's so frustrating! Where is the radio power cable?! Ok... The whole point of this game is to start the car. But it's not as simple as it sounds. There's something... unnatural out there in the woods around you. Don't look into the darkness for too long, or you just might see something you don't want to...

5. 7Days
I just played this properly before I started writing and ohhh... ohh no. No. Pretty sure I'm only on like day 4 now, but if this is day 4... I don't want to know what day 7 is. My heart was pumping like I was running a marathon. It really lures you into a false sense of security because the art is really nothing special if I'm being honest. It reminds me of Pixel Dungeon. So I didn't expect big things from this. But ohh no... The noises... There are running footsteps, always behind me. And the pixel blood stains... And that damn ominous music that plays in the library. And Sam... Who is Sam? He seems important for some reason. I mean his name is written in blood in a book and on the wall soo... Maybe the aim is to find him...? Who knows. But it's so tense... Here's hoping I make it to day 7 before I give myself a heart attack.

6. Hotel Remorse
So... This one. It's awesome. Pretty intense also. But awesome. There are a few loud noises so be prepared for that. You start off in a hotel room, a loud gunshot has been heard coming from that room and you have to find out what it was through finding the letters left by the guest who was staying there. The first letter is an obvious find. But here's a little tip for once you leave the room; don't waste your time checking any of those doors. They're all locked. Literally just go straight to the end of the corridor. After that it gets weird... It really got my heart racing. And beware; the hallways can kill you.

7. Bunker16
This is one of my top two favourite games of the ones I've downloaded. It is awesome. Really intense. As you can probably tell, I have a thing for intense games that get your heart pumping. It's a fun adrenaline rush. But I just love this game so much... The general outline of the story is that you are stuck in a bunker and you have to find a way out. Lucky for you the previous person to get stuck in this bunker has left his diary entries scattered around for you to find. You have to make your way through the entire bunker each day; explore literally everything. Find those notes, they're really helpful. Once you have exhausted all of your options, checked everything, go back to where you started and take a nap. Then the cycle will repeat... But usually with a difference... Watch out for disturbing faces at the ends of the corridors, and the creepy messages in German on the walls. Here's hoping you find an escape...

8. Lurking
Ohh man, this is my favourite one. I really want to know what happens at the end, I'm so close to finishing it. You start in a dingy little room with a hospital bed and a night stand. This room serves no real purpose. It's just the starting point. Once you leave things are going to go dark. The key to this game is to make noise. Audio pulses allow you to see. But they're also the thing that will get you killed. See, you're in some kind of testing facility. And you have to pick up the audio tapes you find along the way. Each one provides another piece of the puzzle needed to discover what happened here when the experiment went horribly wrong. Avoid anything that emits a red pulse at all costs. Those are the test subjects. They will eat you. Your noise attracts them. Anything white is harmless. Anything yellow, like the computers and boxes, can be picked up and thrown to make a noise. Make your way through the facility, room by room, and explore everything. Find those audio tapes. And try not to get eaten along the way...

These next two games aren't on the site. They're flash games, but they're awesome so I thought I'd share them.

9. Every Day the Same Dream
Basically, break the cycle. That's all I'm gonna say. It's awesome, the art is very clean and sharp and I love the music. It's a quick play once you figure it out. The ending was a little shocking to me though. Gotta catch that leaf...

10. Coma
And to complete the list, this is my favourite game of all time. The art is awesome, there is a really nice story to it and the music is so beautiful. Makes me want to cry... If I were to describe my aesthetic, this game would be it. I don't want to spoil anything, just go play it.

Homework, The NoSleep Podcast and Writing.

So it's been a little over half a year since I last wrote something here. Life kind of got in the way... I was supposed to blog about the summer but I kept putting it off and before I knew it I was back in school and starting on the path of GCSEs and they had us drowning in assessments and homeworks which was so much fun. In the first week I had a difficult time adjusting to my new classes and schedules, but that never lasts long and the fact that there were numerous more assessments in this first month than we had last year is making me feel as though I've been in school longer than I actually have. It feels like it should be January. It's horrible, I hate that feeling. It's like waking up and thinking it's Friday, only to feel crushing disappointment when you check your phone. Not good.

I also feel like there's no breathing space between homeworks now. Last year there were usually one or two days a week when you wouldn't have any homework to do, or you could at least afford to put a few homeworks off until the next day, but now if you don't do a homework the day you get it they very quickly pile up as they just keep coming every day. Eventually you'll be crushed if you don't know how to manage your time well. There's never a day when I don't have to write at least two things down that I have to do for the next day, and then just when you get tick a whole bunch of completed stuff off your list you get another whole bunch of stuff to add to that list. It's a never ending cycle of stress and tears, it's just beautiful.

No matter how much homework I have to do, I always find time for the NoSleep podcast. This is my new obsession. I had become almost completely absorbed by stories on Reddit NoSleep shortly before I discovered the podcast, but it becomes very difficult to focus on reading stories online when you spend most of your day surrounded by other people. I would start reading a story on the train on my way to school, and would then spend the rest of the day itching to finish it. But I didn't want to walk around with my face glued to my phone, and ignoring people at lunch time just to finish reading a story definitely wasn't an option either. So the podcast is perfect. They basically take all the greatest stories from NoSleep and get awesome narrators to read them with great sound effects and really great background music by Brandon Boone (definitely check his stuff out on bandcamp, it's great to study to).

Listening to stories on a podcast is so much easier than reading them from your phone. I listen to it when I have any time alone or I have to walk somewhere. It's a nice break from listening to the same Blue Oyster Cult albums on a constant loop. Also the narrators have amazing voices. They are all such talented voice actors, but it wasn't long before I had pegged three of the narrators as my favourites; Jesse Cornett and Jeff Clement (who both do a lot of amazing work on Chilling Tales for Dark Nights, which is also awesome) and also Peter Lewis. They each have such different voices but there's something about each of them that makes me want to listen to them talk all day long. I sometimes download episodes I've already listened to just to have one of their voices in the background if I don't feel like listening to music. So, yeah. I think it's safe to say I might be slightly obsessed with this podcast... And yes, I do realise I sound like an advertisement. But no, that's not what this is.

Another major thing in my life right now is my writing. A while back I found a story I wrote when I was about five years old and it was, uh... interesting to say the least. But it made me think about how much my writing style has changed and developed in 10 years. I want to do something to, I don't know... mark the milestone, I guess, of  a decade of creative development. So I'm working on a story at the moment, and providing it goes well and I finish it before Christmas I was considering recording a reading of it and my old story and putting them on my youtube channel as a sort of "Then vs Now". I want to do something different with them other than just posting about them, and I think recording a reading of them would be cool. I don't know... That may not even happen, but it's a nice idea to me. We'll see how that goes.

I was going to end this by talking about Halloween, but you know what I changed my mind. I think we all know that I could write three ten page long essays on various aspects of Halloween and how much I love them, so I'm just going to say that so far my only plans for Halloween involve going to see a horror movie and I'm pretty excited. Let's leave it at that before I go off on one about everything spooky...

Here's hoping my next update won't take six months for me to write.

I wrote a thing

So it's not the story I've been planning to write, but I wrote a short based on a writing prompt I saw on Max Kirin's tumblr. I thought it would be good practice to write something shorter before I try writing a much longer story (or even a book, ahhh!). I wrote it over three days and it turned out a lot better than I thought it would, though I'm not sure about the ending I gave it. I think I was just in a rush to get it finished. I listened to a lot of saloon music and wild western mixes to get my head in the scene. I got to do a lot of research into the old west, like clothing and the lingo. You have no idea how many times I googled 'when was *insert object here* invented' while I was writing this story...

Anyway, you can read it here if you'd like;
Afterclaps in the Afterlife
Note: Afterclaps is Old western slang for "unexpected happenings after an event is supposed to be over."
Also I found this awesome website with an A-Z of old western cowboy slang. You can find it here. It's pretty amazing.